Iris
by KelseyNicole08
Summary: Bella learns to stand on her own two feet and be strong, that she can't rely on someone to hold her up. She battles medical issues and an abusive relationship. She finds Edward when she leasts expect it. Could he really be different than the previous men?
1. Chapter 1

I feel like this is my life. Hiding behind the façade that everyone believes is true because they never gave me a chance. But in truth, no one knows who I am. They don't want to look deeper, that is if they acknowledge me at all. In some ways I don't mind. I am a wall flower by heart. I don't just go up and talk to people I don't know. I just can't do it. I feel like I and disturbing them. But then there is the added fact of what they will say as soon as I turn my back. Why have people start more rumors and say more things about me if it can be avoided? But, I am so lonely most of the time. I see all these people around me with happy lives, having fun, partying, hanging out with friends, having loving boyfriends or husbands. That's what gets me the most. I can deal with the stairs and the rumors, if only I just had one person who really understood me, who took the time. Sure I have friends, we do hang out. But they don't really know me either. They come to me with their problems and I fix them. It's what I do. And I love it, I really do. But, who is going to be there for me and my problems? Who is going to put me together like I put everyone else back together? Because in reality, there is no putting me back together, because I have yet to be assembled for the first time. Sure for a while I thought I had been. Finally found that someone. The one who I thought loved me and would help me. I thought he would put me together right. I soon realized what he did was just tape pieces of my heart together quickly to get to what he wanted. He molded me to the point were I let him treat me like crap because I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I will get back to all that later. It's an important chapter of my life, one that made me realize I have to try and put myself together. I realized that no one is going to do it because no one wants to.

On the outside, my façade, I'm not depressed. I'm not slowly spiraling down into myself. On the outside, I'm the happiest person you know. I smile all the time. I give encouraging words and help everyone I can, even people I just met. And that does make me happy. It keeps me going knowing that I can help others. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything. I just wish for more in my life. I just feel like I should get a break someone in this life of mine. I've been through so much, and everything I think things are getting better, I get beat back down. Again, I will explain more of this later. I am happy and laugh for my family, and for others. Which is what I live for. I live for everyone else, except myself. And most of the time that's ok. But I long to have a happy life with the love of my life, someone who loves me unconditionally, that is there for me like I him. That accepts me for who I am. And helps me with understanding instead of resentment. That doesn't blame me for things that are out of my control. I see the worry in my parents' eyes with each new addition of information that I get in my life, and I hate that. I strive to be happy. I want to be happy. And I can't be if everyone is worried about me. So my smile is in place and I encourage everyone that I am fine with the new developments in my life. I reassure them that I will be fine. Instead of someone reassuring me that I will be fine. Because in reality, I worry everyday what my future will bring me. And it terrifies me. Again, in time I will explain. Be patient. You can't expect me to tell you the book that is my life on one page in one chapter now can you? Bare with me.

And for the record. I'm not telling you this for pity. Because I find myself very lucky compared to most people. I have a loving family. And a home. And money to get the things that I need. And for that I am eternally grateful. So please don't feel ill of me. My emotions are constantly fighting with each other. Half are depressed then part feels guilty for being depressed when compared to others; I have no reason to be. It's difficult to settle on one feeling.

But part of what makes me, me and what makes me able to help others is the fact that I know that everyone has hardships. Even those we envy that seem perfect. You don't know what's battling in their own minds. What is wrong with them? Everyone can put on a smiling face. And you know what? It's easier. It is so much easier to laugh and smile than be mad and cry. It's easier to live than to give up. That's what I remind people. That's what I help people understand. That is how I live my life, my ground rules. To remember, no matter how cruel someone is, you don't know what's going on inside them. In their own world, their own story. Respect is important, very important, something that sadly barely anyone has anymore. But, with respect, I think should come the ability to understand. The ability to sit and talk to someone, even when it is inconveniencing you and be there for them and keep an open mind, putting yourself in their shoes. To help them work threw their problems. To realize that everyone deals with their own issues in a different way. Everyone reacts differently to things than you do. With me, I push forward. When I got diagnosed four years ago, I said ok, did what I had to do, and moved one. Why dwell on the things you can't change? It's wasted energy to me. But others might have been crushed, confused, and beaten down about it. Some might of cried and cursed God for doing this to them in a moment of frustration. I smiled, thankful to finally have the answers we had spent years looking for. And I thanked God for it not being something worse. I thanked him for sending me on the path that brought me to that Doctor who figured it all out, it may not have been a fun path, but it changed everything in my life. I looked to my mom who was with me, and comforted her. Let her know that I was ok. And to this day I still continue to do that for my entire family. I don't want them depressed because of me, or upset because of what happened. Because it happened, don't dwell, fight, and move to make the situation better.

As you can see, I have two sides. I am both of these people at once. But I only let myself think about the depressed side when I am alone. For that I hate being alone. And I am terrified that I am going to be alone. But I am also optimistic. I am your typical oxymoron. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.

With this I am going to lead you up to the events that have lead me to the point in my life that I am currently at. And with this, I hope to help you with your outlook on life, your understanding that, even though you feel alone. In reality you are not. Easier said than done I know. Because I have a big family that I am very close to, but I still feel alone. I have friends and acquaintances but I still feel alone. But what you aren't alone in, is feeling alone. Crazy confusing huh? But you are also not alone in what ever misfortune that has you depressed. There are people out there that will understand. The only problem now is, finding them. And not settling for someone who really doesn't care. And accepting the help and wisdom that these people give you. Because we by nature tend to think that no one understands. But that isn't true. Embrace life. It's the only one you have.


	2. AN Read first please! :

This was supposed to be in place of my chapter 1. But this being my first FanFiction, I hope you can forgive me.

I just wanted to say that it gets better, Chapter 1 was just the opening. Edward will be in soon. Prolly in Chapter 3. So don't worrie.

I also want to thank those who gave this a chance. That summary stuff is hard! So thank you again.

And I would love Reviews. Criticism, though it way hurt, is waaaay helpful. And then praise always makes me happy.

I really hope you enjoy it. Because seriously, this is the inner workings of my mind. Just with stuff added of course. Cause lets face it, as much as we all want it, there is no Edward out there. :(

So, give this a chance, and hopefully there wont be to many of these Author Notes, because I know, I hate them too. Haha.

Oh, and the rating. There is a chance it might turn to M. I will let you know ahead of time. But it most likely wont. I'm not sure if I can write like that. Not having experienced undeniable love/lust before. So we will see.

Have a great weekend everyone!


	3. Chapter 2

**Ok, so I hope you liked the first Chapter. I'm sorry I left a lot of things unexplained, but if I were to explain them that chapter never would have ended and wouldn't have flowed right.**

**So I will be revealing some mysteries here, to catch you up on Bella's life.**

**And just so you know, sadly, my creative juices are most creative while I'm in class. But hopefully I can do some this weekend, seeing how that should be the prime time to write. But of course that's not how it works for me. I think of all kinds of stories in class, but I can't write them down because then she would know I was zoned out. I have the outline made up, now it's just making it sound good. So try and be patient and I will hopefully have chapters up weekly, if not more than that.**

**I realized I forgot to say the obvious.. I do not own Twilight, or any of its characters. Boy, don't I wish. **

When I was young my parents got divorced, my mom walked out on my dad. I was devastated. I was young, but still, the thought of him being all alone. I was heartbroken. And for the longest time, secretly upset with my mom. She did this. Why did she have to move so far away? She was the one who decided to leave. She should have stayed closer. But I've grown up sense then. She has sense fallen in love with an amazing guy. And for that I am thankful. I understand how important love is in life. It's what you live for. Why you come home. What if you didn't have that to come home to? But thankfully she did, that still left my dad. I just wish he was able to find someone. Thankfully, he was always more of the quite type, like me. He loves his work and drowns himself in it. Almost like he is married to his job. And for some reason, that is more depressing. He is the Chief of Police in a small town named Forks in Washington. My mom is a school teacher. And tries all kinds of other stuff. She can't handle doing one thing for too long. Much like a child. It's one of the things I love about her. But it's kind of hard when you have to take care of your parents. Especially with the medical problems..

From fifth grade till my sophomore year I was pretty much bed ridden. We didn't know what was wrong. I was so skinny. Like gross bone showing skinny. I couldn't really move, and I hurt so much all the time. It felt like every bone in my body was broken, and I still had to walk. But I pushed forward. I went to school, cringing and screaming in my mind with every step. Then when I came home, I'd lie down and not get back up until the next day. It was so hard. I told my mom I was hurting, but only when I couldn't hide the pain I was in. I didn't want her to worry. And I also had an ingrown toe nail that scared the crap out of me and didn't want to tell her about. So I hid it all. For about four years. Yeah, not my brightest decision. But I hate shots! And I knew that the ingrown toe nail and then going to the doctor with the rest of my problems would just mean shots. I was scared and a coward. So I just push through the pain, which in reality was so much worse than a shot. My mom wrote it off as growing pains and muscle pains and made me walk them off. Made me walk after school. I would always have tears streaming down my face when I got back, from trying not to scream with the pain. I didn't show my mom though. Because I know she was just trying to help. And with me withholding information from her, she made the best diagnosis she could. Eventually, my sophomore year, I told her about my toes. My Aunt is a foot doctor so she came and took care of them for me. And let me tell you. That Novocain shot, not a happy experience. Oh man. I thought I was done for. But when it was over I was so happy that it was resolved. I could walk bare foot, and wear sandals again. I was so happy. You have no idea how great the little things are until you don't have them. A couple months later they started hurting again, but I knew I couldn't do the shot again. So my Aunt did it in a hospital and put me under anesthesia. Awesome. Whoever invented that is a freaking genius! When I came to, my Oxygen level was dangerously low and I was so cold to the touch they had so many heated blankets one me you would think I was going to burn to death. But I could feel anything. I was numb. I didn't feel hot, or cold. Thy put me on oxygen and a heart monitor and watched me closely. When one of the nurses came in to check on me she looked at my hands. Something I normally made sure we bent ever so slightly so no one could see what they had turned into in the last few years. But she didn't look at the fingers that were stuck bent, she looked at my pointer. It was significantly shorter than the one on my other hand. And the nail bed was shaped different than my others, it was short and stubby. Were as my others were long and elegant. (I got great nails from my mom.) So she called my Aunt and told her and my Aunt got another doctor to see me. He said that it looked like my finger shrunk due to lack of oxygen in my blood and told me to make an appointment with a Pulmonologist. My Aunt called for us and set one up, she is very respected in hospitals, so she was able to pull some strings to get me in there in three days.

To say I was scared would be an understatement. By this time in my life, I was so used to the pain I was always in I didn't pay attention to it. I didn't think about it. Mind over matter. I mastered it. But the realization that they thought something was seriously wrong with me brought it all back to my mind. I was freaked. I looked to my mom and saw she was having the same reaction. So I put my mask up, smiled, took her hand, and told her it was going to be ok. That I was fine. It helped her that I was ok with this. And that's what mattered. I could deal with my feelings, with things concerning myself. But I don't want someone else to be upset over a misfortune of mine. Especially my care free mother. She wasn't capable of dealing with this on her own. She wouldn't be able to pull out of it. Her mind is to fragile, to innocent. I could deal with it on my own. So we pushed forward and waited for the next few days to pass.

**AN: I know it's short. I apologize, but I figured I'd get what I had out now to keep you interested. If you ask me it's not written as well as the last, but the next chapter will be. This was kind of a filler to get to the point I needed. Let me know what you think! Reviews make me happy! **

**And don't give up on me. The next ones will be so much better!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's been so long. But school is hectic. And clinicals are taking up a lot of time. We have so much more to learn so little time. So now, the one day I get to catch up, I of course don't want to. So I'll update. **

**This is more catch up on the Medical stuff. Bare with me. I have a chapter made for either the next or the one after that. And I'm really excited about it. So excited I just wanted to skip this, but I can't. So. Here we go..**

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_Sadly I do not own Twilight. As much as I wish I did. _

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** Listening to 'Sara-Beth' by Rascal Flatts**

These next three days are hell. So much wondering and worrying. But also excitement. For the past couple of years we have gone to so many doctors. Each one tells me less than the one before it. It's so frustrating. First one said it was mono so she ordered tests. When those came up negative she was stumped. So she sent me to an ENT. He took some CT scans and more blood. Nothing. He said that one of my symptoms –which was that I couldn't eat. My glands were so swollen on my jaws that it hurt so much every time I tried to eat. So I just didn't- He said that it was my body's reaction to stress. That maybe I also have a cold. You know what he prescribed? Lemon heads. Yeah. I should have known going to see a doctor who looked exactly like Andy Dick was a bad idea.

We tried many physicians and eventually a chiropractor. He took X-Rays of my backand said that I have a small hint of scoliosis, but not bad, and there was nothing he could do about it now. But that shouldn't be causing all this pain. He did some electrical thingy that was weird, and lots of stretches and exercises. They hurt so bad. He wanted me to come back, but that next day. God. I wanted to die. Everything hurt so much worse. I couldn't more. I acted like I was sick, and stayed home. I was home more than at school. Faking illness. Even though I haven't even had a cold sense I was in fourth grade.

So I continued on like this. Staying home because I was 'sick' on the days I just couldn't handle the pain. I lost a lot of friends because I didn't want any type of social life, because I couldn't move. I was alone in all aspects of the word. I felt like I had no one and I didn't know what to do. I hated that I couldn't move with out pain. Couldn't sit, lay, stand, breath, anything without feeling like I was breaking every bone in my body slowly. I hated that I couldn't sit on the floor like I saw people my age doing. I longed to sit on the floor. I actually dreamt of it. I wanted to be able to get up fast and normal like a normal 16 year old girl. But instead I got up like I was 90. It sucked. And most days I just wanted to give up. Be done. Not like in ending my life, we've already been over that I wasn't suicidal. But I wanted to just stay home and hid from everyone, and hope that it would get better. Get lost in the stories I loved to read. I just wanted to be happy. More than just on the outside. I longed to be loved, wanted. By anyone. And I felt like I had no one. The rumors kept getting worse. They made fun of me for my lack of movement. For my sick days and being tardy to every class, because I would wait for the hallways to clear so no one would bump into me and hurt me. They made fun of me because I couldn't write, I couldn't take notes. And my body style came up more than once. I was so skinny. A size 0 in jeans, bones sticking out everywhere, and big boobs. It wasn't right. I was called pregnant, anorexic, you name it. One time I was supposedly both at once. I must have fast pregnancies and have like a million of kids at home, because seriously? Come on. They had no idea how lucky they were. They took for granted everything I wanted. They could move. I was always a tomboy and I could no longer do that. No longer play football with the boys.

So finally, those three days passed and me and my mom were waiting at the hospital were this doctor is. He does an examination, and takes more X-Rays. He has me wait in the exam room for the results. He said he would be back in 30 minutes.

30 minutes past.

1 hour.

1 hour and 30 minutes. My mom is getting anxious.

2 hours. What is going on? My mom is freaking but trying to hide it. By this time it's about 7:30 at night. They closed at 6. People are staying late for this. It's kinda unsettling.

Me and mom then pull this James Bond thing. We both poke our head out of a little crack in the door, with me standing up, and her crouched down. We both look left at the same time, then right. We giggle but quickly try and hide it. We aren't very sneaky. We are almost full on laughing, because everyone knows it's even harder to stay quit when you know you are supposed to be. But then we notice the doctor to our right. Our giggles are quickly demolished. He is standing there, on the phone, with this look on his face. There are four other people around him. All looking at my chart. While he is holding up the X-Ray of my chest. We quickly close the door and go back to sitting in silence. Just thinking. I see my mom is about to loose it. So I sit next to her and take her hand. I squeeze and tell her everything is fine. That it's good that he is talking to others. At least he's not just dismissing me like Dr. Andy Dick and the others. This gets a little smile out of her. And we continue to wait.

45 minutes. But who's counting? Oh who am I kidding. Of course I am. And the damn clock on the wall makes this loud ticking sound every time it moves. You'd think they would want that to be a little quieter. It kinda makes the atmosphere a little creepy.

50 minutes. He walks in.

He gives us both an apologetic smile and explains the situation. Apparently on my X-Ray he saw shadows in my lungs and got really worried. So he E-Mailed or how ever they share those with other doctors, to another doctor. They discussed it and had a lot of people looking at it. My mom is tense. I grab her hand again and smile. She relaxes a little. He continues to explain that it turns out they weren't shadows, my ribs just over lap and they showed up shadowy in the X-Ray. The reliefs clear on his face. My mom relaxes further. I stay the same and ask the unavoidable question that I ask myself every second of the day. What's wrong with me?

He says he's not one hundred percent sure. But it isn't a lung problem so he is recommending me to see a Rheumatologist. That it could be a number of things, but it isn't his place to put words into our head. But he mentions that his guess would be Systemic Scleroderma. My mom freaks. 'You take that back' she says. I don't understand. I've never herd of this. What is this? He goes on to apologize and says that was just his guess, and he was just answering her question. But not to rely on it. To go see the doctor he recommended. He said he put a word in and the doctor was going to come in on her off day so she could see me next week. More waiting. I'm disappointed. I'm tired of waiting. I just want answers. My mom relaxes a little but is still left a little unsettled. I wonder why.

So we leave, and I call my dad to give him an update. He doesn't sound good. Like he hasn't been sleeping. He tells me he is going to take some time off and come see me when I mention what the doctors guess is. I don't understand their reaction. I'm going to have to look this up. I convince him that he doesn't need to do that and that I will visit him as soon as I can. He eventually lets me talk him into it.

By the time I get home I am dead set on looking up what ever the hell Systemic Scleroderma is. But at the last minute, I chicken out. I think about my mom and dad's reaction, and realize that I don't want to be obsessing over it until I get to see the doctor the next week. So once again I wait. What really sucks, is that it's Christmas break, and I actually want go to school to keep my mind off of things, because for the first time, reading isn't doing it.

For the next couple days mom spends every moment she can with me. We watch movies, talk, do each other's hair and nails, all kinds of stuff. And it's fun. She cracks me up and we have so much fun together. She's like one of the girls, but better. But it's starting to freak me out, and make me suspicious, I mean, we usually do spend a lot of time together, she's my best friend. But this is a little much. I have no time to think. Which I guess is a good thing. Maybe she doesn't want to think either? So we continue with our crazy plans.

Finally the day has come. So we head to the hospital. We do some more waiting, which is really saying a lot about my patience. Ugh. And finally are led to the exam room and met by a nurse. I get my weight and height, My weight is 100lbs and my height 5'3 ½". I've gained some. That's good. After that we wait for the doctor. She comes in and introduces herself as Dr. Robertson. She takes one look at me and asks me to tell her my symptoms. She then goes to say that she is pretty sure she already knows what's wrong with me. I am so taken aback. I guess I had it set in my head that no one was going to figure it out. That we were going to keep going in circles. So I tell her everything. She takes my hands and looks them over, looks at my swollen glands on my small sunken in face, then looks in my eyes. She tells me that she thinks that I have MCTD which is Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. She tells me that it's rare and is hard to diagnose because it is a mixture of a bunch of other disease. But there aren't a lot of us out there. She says it's Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Scleroderma, Polymyositis, and Raynaud's disease. She tells me that there is no cure, but there are treatments, which will hopefully stop it from getting worse to fast. And that the Rheumatoid Arthritis is from head to toe from what she can see. She tells me she needs to do tests to be sure, but she is almost positive, and that she'll tell us more after the tests, and that she well schedule what she can for today, because she knows I must have been waiting a long time and must be in a tremendous amount of pain and wants to start medicines. By this time in my life, I really wasn't. I was so used to it that only certain parts hurt at certain times. It's a part of me. After my Exam she looks at me and she says you have to be hurting more than you are letting one. She says she's amazed I can stand. And this makes me feel good, maybe it shouldn't, but it did. I accomplished something. After failing everything else in my life, I managed to live, despite the pain. I mastered mind over mater. I was ecstatic. –To this day she still doesn't believe me when I tell her I don't hurt- She explains to me what is really wrong with my jaws after I tell her what Dr. Andy Dick said, she told me that my salivary glands are hardened and inflamed. And because of that, every time I went to chew no spit was produced to help, and that's why it hurt so bad. And that the reason I haven't gotten sick sense fourth grade is because my immune system was on over drive and attacking my joints. Which is what caused the RA. So she tells us she is ordering several X-Rays, a CT scan and an MRI, a sweat test, a bone density test, LOTS of blood work, a PFT (Pulmonary Function Test) and a couple others. We spend the rest of the day and the next in the hospital doing these tests. I was exhausted. Two days after all the tests she calls me back in. She tells me that she was right. That it is MCTD. So she starts me on 10 different medications, and explains that we are in the guinea pig stage, and that it will take a while for them to find the right concoction of medication, because everyone in this case is different. I had all the illnesses but the Polymyositis, and that one is only a matter of time. She tells me there are Intravenous treatments that she wants me to do and 6 weeks after that she wants me to have steroid injections in my joints. She made appointments for me to see her once a week for the next couple of months.

By the time the first IV treatment came I was a little scared. I had only had an IV a couple of times, and I'm no fan of the needle they use to get it there. And of course, luck wasn't on my side. They inserted the IV 15 different times before they finally got one. They had to use an ultra sound machine. I have these treatments once a week for three weeks. This should be fun. But by the end of my session of treatments, I was used to it. IV's and getting blood drawn no longer bother me. It's apart of my life. The treatments last 6-12 hours, it's an all day thing. Which is fine. This hospital has awesome food! By the time I was done with the IV treatments I was starting to feel better. I was happier knowing what was wrong. My parents were still freaked, but seeing me smile and telling them that I was fine really helped them.

A couple of months later a miracle happens. I went outside to get the mail and the paper, and when I bent down to get the paper –something that was usually impossible- I actually squatted! Like bent my knees and everything. I was so happy I cried. I called my mom and told her one of my dreams came true, when I told her she cried. I was so happy. It's only a matter of time.

Things go on like this for about a year, treatments, medication, injections, tests. Every month. Appointments all the time. But I don't mind. It's my life. It's helped me. Why spend time being upset over something you can't change? Exactly. So I don't. I'm slowly able to do more things. Eventually I could sit on the floor, get on and off of it easier. I could walk threw the halls with everyone else. I was happy at lunch with my few friends who stuck by me. I wasn't fooled when old ones started talking to me. My friends know what's wrong with me to an extent. I told them what it was called. And about the Lupus and RA. But the rest they don't need to know. I'm there for them once again. Helping them through their drama, and things that seem silly to me but are important to them. Everything that has happened in my life really opened up my eyes and ears more. I understand now that everyone has problems. And if they just had someone to trust, and tell about them, that maybe they will get resolved faster. I don't want anyone to end up like me.

Things stay on a steady pace for the next year or so. It's nice. It was a hassle at first having to remember to take all of my medicines before bed. And to think I used to complain about just taking out my contacts before bed. Seems silly now. But these medicines are my life line. They make me able to live freely. My doctor is now one of my favorite people. She is great. She get's my sense of humor and we are more than just doctor and patient, she's like a friend. It's great.

They are keeping a close eye one me and always doing more tests, and trying new medicines to see my reaction to them, which can suck sometimes, especially when I start hurting from them or getting sick. Eventually I only got the occasional flair ups. Which is nice. My doctor still insists that I am in more pain than I let on, and everything should hurt all the time, because of how sever my RA is, but I tell her that I'm not. I'm used to it.

Then, at the beginning of my Junior year of high school my step dad Phil had to start traveling a lot with his baseball. He stopped when I got sick to be there for us. But now that I'm better it's time for him to get on with his career. My mom stayed home with me when he was away. And I could tell it made her unhappy. And I hated that, because I new I was the reason. With everything that has happened I started to make sure everyone around me enjoyed their life and lived it to the fullest. There was still a lot I couldn't do, and honestly, me doing them isn't what makes me happy. It's seeing others happy that makes me happy. So I told her I thought it was time for me to move to my dads. She protested of course, we are best friends as well as mother and daughter. -even though the roll is reversed. I do the laundry and cook and clean and make sure the bills are paid. It's been a lot easier with Phil, I've got to play the daughter roll a little more.- Eventually I convinced her that I wanted to, that now that I'm getting better I think dad needs to see it. She agreed. I know she felt guilty, but I could tell she was happy. And to tell you the truth, I kind of was too. Starting over new somewhere, even though I hate being the new kid. Living with my dad. And this way, mom will be happy, and dad will too. So it's a win win situation.

By this point I had slowly started to gain weight. I was at 110, still not great, but I was starting to look less sick. My face is no longer sunken in looking, and my glands are down. My joints still stick out here and there but not as bad after the treatments and injections. I was a little worried about finding a good doctor out in Forks, Washington. But my doctor helped me. She told me there is a really good one in Seattle, and even though it's a bit of a drive, it's necessary with my diagnosis, and how new this is. I was fine with it. I just hoped dad didn't mind. Not that I needed anyone to come with me to these things anymore.

A week later I was all packed up, had said goodbye to my closest friends after promising to stay in touch, and was headed to the airport. Mom of course, tried to get me to change my mind once I got there, but I think she really did get how miserable my school life was, and how I couldn't wait to start over. And I couldn't. No one knew me, and what happened to me. I can keep it all a secret, because it's none of their business. They won't know. Hopefully. It is a small town though.. Ugh. What if they already know?

**Ok, so what'd you think? I'm getting there. Be patient. Medical stuff is pretty much explained. There is some more that will come. I just can't wait to get to the good stuff!! **** Bare with me!**

**Loves!**

**-Kelsey**

**Review please!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Sorry it took so long! I actually finished it last Friday, I just haven't had the time to revise it. Hopefully I'll have more up soon. I have a pretty long bus ride on Friday due to car problems, so I'll be writing in between getting my school work done, or instead of. You get the picture! **

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**A flash back to the first few months at Charlie's:**

So that's how I landed at my dads. Little did I know that was the start of my life. He was so happy to see me. My dad, Charlie, was never one for much emotion. But as soon as I stepped foot off of that plane, it was all over. He lost it. He was so happy, I saw tears for the first time in my dads eyes. He was always the strongest man in my eyes. Probably always would be. And it was too much. I hugged him like there was no tomorrow. For the first time in a long time, I started to actually feel happy; I felt a good pain in my heart. Not the empty feeling I've come accustomed to, no matter how many people I helped – it would always make me happy, but never fill that void I desperately wanted filled--.

When we got in the car he apologized for his display of affection, he said that this past year he has been worried sick over everything, and he truly didn't believe when I said I was ok every time we talked until he saw for him self. I smiled and patted his shoulder, and told him that I was really fine. – That was so like Charlie, apologizing for being affectionate. – The rest of the ride was made in relative silence. It was a nice comfortable silence. I didn't feel like I had to put a mask on when I was quiet, and it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. With Renee I had to always keep my mask up, and that could get very tiring. But with Charlie, in the silence, I was free to my own thoughts – which wasn't always a good thing- and able to relax my face. He would still cast me worried glances when I did this. Asking me if I was ok. I guess my regular expression is pretty horrific. So I looked out the window. I was truly happy to be here. We just entered the town of Forks, and surprise surprise, it was exactly like I remembered. That's when it hit me. Did they know? I gave my dad an alarming glance and asked him if he told anyone what was going on with me. He said that the people he told were his friends Billy Black and Harry Clearwater. That he didn't want my business going around town. That it was mine to tell. –Hell most of the calls he gets as a cop are from rumors, 'I herd he beats her', 'I heard she's dealing drugs'. Nothing factual. Real life is too boring for some. - I was happy with this. People here wouldn't judge me for my past and my illness. They would judge yes, that happens everywhere, but especially in a small town.

When we got to my dads he told me he had a surprise for me. I just gave him the look. My look. The look that says 'what did you do?' He knows that I don't like when people waist money on me when they could use it on more useful things. Don't get me wrong, I love to get things, pretty things, meaningful things, anything. But, I understand when people don't have the money to waist, growing up on a school teacher's salary. And dad isn't much better off. He just chuckled with this sheepish look on his face and said he wanted to do this for me and not to ruin it for him. Crap. When he put it that way of course I had to comply. He cheated. He knows how I'll do anything for people. So I did what everyone does to a cheater. I stuck my tongue out at him.

We got out of the cruiser and he walked up to this beautiful old truck. --Like the Ranch dressing truck that I have always secretly coveted.-- He said that Jacob, Billy's son, and one of the only friends I kept from forks, had re built the engine. And that the truck was mine. It was dark read and a little rusted, but that gave it personality, hell, I'm just like this truck. Old, worn out, seen more than we were intended to, pushed through for others past my expiration date, rusted and ward on the outside, used. But what people don't see is the reliability of it. The inner beauty. The fact that it is still here, running against the odds. Rebuilt from the inside out. It was absolutely perfect. And it was mine. I was so happy. I had tears in my eyes. I have him a huge hug.

The next few days we feel into a routine, I found out Charlie can't cook, so I went to the store for food. And I would prepare dinner for when he got home. We drove to the hospital together on his day off, just to get the feel of the place. I was starting school the following week. It still seemed too soon. I remember being so nervous for school. But when I got there, I was surprised. People stared of course. I mean, not only was I new, everyone else here had a B cup at best. They didn't realize how lucky they were. That's the day that I met Mike. He seemed really sweet. Helping me to my classes, talking to me every chance he got, asking me to sit with him at lunch. It made my nerves relax some. School got into a routine as well. It was pretty much Mike and his friends, whom I didn't like very much. They were all catty and mean the females at least. The males stared at only my chest, I mean, I know they are big, but my eyes are up here buddy. Stop having conversations with my boobs, they don't talk back.

Finally that weekend I went to LaPush to see Jacob. I was actually excited. As soon as I pulled up he ran outside and pulled me into a Jacob-bare hug, twirling me around. That void in my heart filled a little more. Yeah, it hurt how he was holding me, but I loved it. He set me down, but didn't let go of my hand, thankfully not holding it to hard because he remembered about my RA. Every time my dad would come to visit me, Jacob would always come with him. So he knew everything. He just sometimes forgot.

He introduced me to all of his friends on the Reservation, they were all so beautiful. Copper skinned with beautiful black shiny hair. It made me feel even more albino. But they were all a great group of guys. And this added to my routine. Every day after school and on weekends I'd go to Jakes, and with him and his friends we'd hang out in his garage while he worked on his car. It was my favorite part of the day.

About a month after I started school things started to progress with Mike. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted it. I was confused. But I was happy with my current life style. And I wasn't ready to tell him about all my problems. He kept asking me to hang out after school, and I kept telling him that I had plans, because I did. He was starting to get upset, and he was one of my only friends at the school besides Angela and Ben, so I eventually caved, saying I'd go out with him. I text Jacob telling him that I wouldn't be able to make it today and that I was sorry. He replied with an 'its ok hun, I hope everything is ok and your feeling well, love ya! Everyone says hi!' I smiled and replied back telling him to tell everyone hello for me and that I loved him too. Because I did. He truly was my best friend. Like the big brother I never had.

I didn't realize until after I was done that Mike was reading my texts, I gave him a smile and he had this look that I hadn't seen before. It was a mixture of a smirk, and a glare and fury. I didn't understand it.

The date with Mike went, it wasn't anything special but it was kind of nice to feel wanted in a different way than I have ever been wanted before. But I new I didn't really feel for him what he did for me. I just figured it would come. So we continued to have dates. And I didn't see the look in his eyes again for a while. Then one day, as Mike and I were walking out of the high school before break I looked up and saw Jacob leaning there, on one of his two motorcycles that he rebuilt. I was so happy to see him, I hadn't seen him in a while due to Mike trying to take up all my time. I ran forward –the first time I had run in years- and he stood up and walked toward me with his big Jacoby grin and picked me up swinging me around. I was laughing harder than I had sense I had last seen him. One of my first real laughs, I didn't realize how much I had missed him until that moment. I kissed his cheek and he put me down. Keeping hold of my hand again and then pulled me into another hug. I laughed again and stepped out of the hug, playfully hitting him on his big chest. When my arm hung back down to my side it was gripped in a hand so painfully that I almost cried out, but I held it in. My eyes welled up with tears, and I tried to hide it before Jake saw. I looked behind me to the owner of the hand and saw Mike, with that same look in his eyes, but intensified. I cringed and stepped away a little and he pulled me back roughly. Jake saw this and I saw his arm move like he was going to pull me back, but understanding and pain flashed in his eyes when he realized that would hurt me and he couldn't help me that way. Then he looked in my eyes, I didn't look away quick enough, he saw the tears threatening to spill. I had never seen Jacob so angry before. My Jacob was always happy. It's one of the reasons I love him so much, he makes me happier by him being happy. -- It's always easy and natural for me to actually be happy and not act when I'm around him. He's my sun, it's like his orbit pulls me in just to make me smile. -- He narrowed his eyes at Mike and stepped toward him.

'Get your hands off of her.' Jacob told Mike, trying to be calm. But Mike wasn't having any of that. He got even more pissed.

'No. She's MY girl. You can't tell me what to do!' he yanked me back with even more force causing a little cry to come out of me. All rationalization with Jacob was gone when he heard that sound come out of my mouth. He grabbed Mike by the shirt and pulled Mike toward himself, he used his other hand to unclasp the death grip Mike had on me, when I was free Jacob lifted Mike so that Mike was at eye level with Jake and said to him..

'Now that's were you're wrong. She isn't some property for your marking. If I ever see you lay an unwanted hand on her or even a wanted hand to roughly, I'll make damn sure it's the last time you ever touch anything.' Jacob then let Mike drop to his feet and held his arm up for me so I could walk under it and he could rest his arm around my shoulders. I stepped forward and Mike seethed...

'Don't you dare go with him Bella!' He said threateningly. I didn't even turn my head. I just kept walking. I was shaking like crazy by the time that we got to the bike we had to wait a minute before we went anywhere. I couldn't believe what just happened. I mean, I knew Jacob was big, but I have never seen him just pick someone up before. And what was with Mike? My hand and arm were hurting so bad some of the tears escaped without my permission, and I couldn't believe I just walked away and didn't do as he said. I had never done that before. Jake held me as we waited for the shaking to stop and I cradled my hand to my chest, when I had calmed down Jacob took my hand gently to look at it. He hissed when he saw it. It was completely inflamed already and so was my elbow, he lifted up the sleeve of my shirt and saw that my shoulder was inflamed as well. He told me he didn't think I'd be able to hang on to him on the bike, so he pushed the bike to my truck and lifted it like it was nothing into the bed. Then he asked for my keys and drove me home.

I didn't go to school the next day, I could move my arm or my hand, it was useless. So I just laid in bed with heating pads. We didn't tell Charlie what happened, much to Jakes protest. I just didn't want to deal with that.

Later that night Mike called me to apologize. He said that he freaked when he saw me with Jacob and he just really likes me and didn't want to loose his chance. So of course, me being the forgiving person I am, I forgave him. If only I would have known the mistake in that.

Over the school year things got more serious with Mike and me, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He slowly started getting more controlling. But it was so gradual I never questioned it. It started with simple things like what I could and couldn't wear what make up I should or shouldn't wear, because it was no longer an option. I was to wear it every day. To doing my hair and how to cut it. He then decided what test I should study for and what ones to fail. Said he didn't want his girlfriend to get better grades than him. He would only let me drive when I was going to his house, said I should only drive for him. Every day before school he made me drive to his house, so he could then drive me to school and look like a good boyfriend. Anytime I didn't go by his rules he would always get so mad, and ask me why I didn't want to make him happy. Or why I was so selfish. Or who I was cheating on him with that liked whatever I was doing at the time. So I complied to save fights, and to keep from being ridiculed, he would always point everything out that was wrong with what I was wearing or my hair and makeup. He would tell me I looked like shit and then go into detain in what ways. He would have his friends do the same. Then when I would fail tests for him, he would call me dumb and show the tests to everyone and tell them he had a dumb girlfriend. I eventually relocated inside of myself. I did what he said, in hopes of not being degraded.

He took up all of my time, wouldn't let me go to LaPush, so I had the guys hang out with us in Forks. Mike would purposefully be a jerk and exclude them so that they wouldn't come back. I of course, didn't realize this at the time. I was naive, and in love with the idea of being in love. But I was not in love. Not even close. I mean, I loved him, don't get me wrong, just not enough. It was a friend love. But I tried so hard to love him more. That's all I ever wanted. Was to be happy and in love. I just didn't realize at the time that I was neither. I was stressed and miserable with another plastered smile on my face, only this one fooled even me.

Eventually the guys from LaPush stayed away. They would try to get me to come see them but Mike would always stop me. Acting all sweet saying that he had this really nice evening planned. Which would consist of McDonalds, if I was lucky. But I was never a material girl, so I never thought anything of it. Jacob would continue to text me, and we kept our friendship alive through text and phone calls. Things stayed like this for the rest of junior year.

Then in the summer before senior year Mike went on vacation for a week, so I went to LaPush, I stayed there the whole week he was gone. I even slept at Jacobs. We've shared a bed our whole lives; there was nothing awkward or sexual about it. It was a brother and sister, two best friends, having a sleep over, sharing a bed. It was a great week. I was so happy. Everyone welcomed me back like I never went anywhere. And things went back into the swing they once were. I was truly happy. The whole in my heart started to refill, and I came out of my shell for that blissful week. I left my phone in Jacob's house the whole week. Not wanting anyone to bother my little heaven. I actually forgot about Mike. I completely lost track of time. That's how it always was there, I was in my element. My natural home, with my family. Were I longed to be but didn't realize it until it was too late.

Next thing we know it's Monday evening, me are all on the beach surrounding a bonfire. I was smashed between Jacob and Embry and they were telling ghost stories, well they would start off as ghost stories. It never stayed that way. You know teenage boys. It was a blast. It was getting late, and they all just ate enough to feed a huge village, each, and I was leaning my head on Jacob's shoulder and he had his arm around me, rubbing my back, shoulder, neck, and twirling my hair. I always loved twisting his hair around my fingers, and he picked it up. He doesn't even realize when he does it anymore. It's so cute.

So there we were, all cozy by the fire looking at the waves and laughing like crazy when all of a sudden we herd a car pull up. We all looked back simultaneously, squinting our eyes against the harsh light from the car, when the drivers' side door opened and slammed shut. Then the form started walking up the beach, that's when I noticed who it was. My stomach dropped. I felt the blood drain from my face. I completely forgot about him. I hadn't even checked my phone! He was going to be so mad! I shook Jacob off with much difficulty, stood up and walked towards Mike.

The closer I got, the slower I walked. He looked pissed. Even more so than that day in the school parking lot. I finally got to him and he just looked at me and said follow me, and then turned around. And of course, me being the idiot I am, followed him. We walked to the car in silence, and he started to drive towards Forks. That's when I broke the silence. I told him I had stuff at Jacobs. He looked absolutely livid. I gave him directions and I practically ran into the house, not realizing that he was following. Billy wasn't home – not that it would have mattered I always just walked in— so I headed straight to Jacobs room. That's when I herd the front door close with force. I looked back and he was following, right on my heels.

I turned into Jacobs room and started putting my stuff in my suit case. I had a weeks worth of close sprawled in piles on his floor, mixed with Jacobs, I had just done laundry and hadn't had the chance to fold them. We were in the garage more than planned so everything got dirty. Mike stood in the doorway, taking in the room and the cloths all mixed up.

'Whose room is this?' He asked with attitude and anger clear in his voice.

I wasn't going to lie, and it's a small house anyways, two bedrooms and one bath all close together. So I told him. 'Jacob's.'

'What?! Why do you have a months worth of cloths in Jacob's room?! What is going on here?' He seethed.

I rolled my eyes at him 'First, it's a weeks worth of cloths, not a months. And I was over here because he is my best friend and I never get to see him anymore. You were on vacation, so I thought instead of sitting at home all week I would go see Jacob, and I decided to stay.' I said while shrugging my shoulders at the end.

'What do you mean you just decided to stay?! In his room?! I didn't realize my girlfriend was such a slut! I mean what the hell Bella! You didn't answer any of my calls or anything!!' He yelled in my face.

I backed myself into the wall with wide eyes. 'I'm not a slut. And I apologize that I didn't answer. We have been doing a lot of stuff this week, in the garage and with the motorcycles and stuff, I didn't want to risk loosing my phone or breaking it. I'm sorry.' I looked down at the ground. I couldn't stand looking at him while he was like this.

'Where did Jake sleep?'

'Pardon?'

'You herd me! Were the hell did the owner of this very bedroom sleep?!' He screamed.

Shit. Do I lie? I have no reason to lie. Yeah it might not look good, but he has no reason not to trust me. Hopefully he won't jump to conclusions and let me explain. I looked him in the eye and said 'In here.'

'EXCUSE ME?! I couldn't have herd you right! Did you just say in here? As in that ass wipe outside slept in the same room as MY girlfriend?!'

Gulp. 'Yeah, you did. Mike, I have told you we have been friends sense we were in diapers; I have given you absolutely no reason not to trust me. Nothing happened. He's like my brother! I promise. Let's just go, ok?' I begged.

He scoffed. 'Yeah right. I've seen the way you are around each other, always holding hands and shit. That's probably why you won't sleep with me. You're sleeping with him aren't you?!' He screamed some more.

'NO! He. Is. Like. My. Brother. What don't you get. Why don't you trust me? I've given up everyone here because of you..'

He cut me off with a slap to the face. I instinctively put my hand to my cheek. I can't believe he just did that. Then he turned around and closed and locked Jacobs's door. I started shaking, and it took everything in me not to have a full on panic attack.

'Don't you ever talk back to me again! And from this point on, you no longer want to hang out with those idiots. You have me and my friends. I don't want to here another thing about it!' He yelled as he backed me into a corner. 'Now you are going to give me what I want.' He stalked towards me and grabbed my wrists, pulling me towards him and kissing me hard on the mouth. 'Now get this shit together so we can go!' As this was said he slapped me on the back real hard. Harder than I was hit on the face a moment ago. I dropped to the floor, hurting my knees in the process and started throwing everything together. When I was done I stood up and he pushed me on the bed roughly. He then spread my legs with his knee and stepped in between mine. He pushed me down all the way so he was holding me down with his body, grabbing hold of both of my wrists in his hands to hold above my head. He pressed himself into me and kissed me hard. I didn't really like to kiss Mike, he was too forceful. No passion, just possession and force. He pressed himself into me and I tried to push him off. He grabbed my arm in a death grip that was sure to leave bruises and squeezed to hold me down.

'I've waited long enough for his you whore. It's now my turn.' He then reached between us to unzip and unbutton my shorts.

**OK! Sooo hopefully I'll have more done soon. Again I apologize for it taking so long. SORRY! **

**Sorry for those few Mike fans. He always annoyed me. I just saw New Moon the other night, and I swear the actor was orange! It was like the worst fake tan in the history of fake tans. Maybe it was just me.. Watch it and tell me!**

**Review please! Happy Turkey Day! **

**Thank you all who are being patient with me to get to the good stuff. I wasn't sure about how to go about this story after my first chapter. I know were I want it to go, but getting there was the problem. But I'm thinking I'm good now. I know I promised Edward by now. But it turns out I lied. But not on purpose I swear! **** He will come. No worries. So will the rest of the Cullen Clan. Be patient with me!**

***Loves**


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

That was my first time. Forced on my best friends bed, who I wasn't aloud to see anymore. Now you'd think, why the hell did you stay with him? And let me tell you, I used to think the same thing whenever I'd hear people talking about abuse, I'd think, 'wow, why the hell don't you run? Tell someone? Get some help?' Then I realized, hearing about it, and experiencing it, are two very different things. It's about fear. Well at least mine was. Have you ever been afraid to get up in the morning, to fall asleep, of the next second not knowing what it was going to bring you? I was. I was so scared. And it wasn't just the physical and mental abuse from Mike that made me scared. It was my illness. Not knowing what was going on inside my body. Not being able to control any part of it. Before Mike, after I was diagnosed I controlled every part of my life to a T. Because if I couldn't control my own body, I was sure as hell going to control something. But Mike got to me. He threatened me, and those I loved. If the only way you can protect the ones you love is to stay in this type of relationship, if that's the only way you can show you care, even if they don't know it, wouldn't you take it how you could? Fuck my life, it's already ruined, he ruined me, the constant cocktail of medicines in me ruined the inside, he ruined everything else. So I'll do what I can.

That was my thought process, but only a part of it. That was how I justified it. Which is partly true. If it was all true then at least I'd have a little bit of that control over my life again. In reality, I had no choice. He called, I went. End of question.

Control. Something so simple that people take for granted, something as small as picking out a pair of sunglasses. Or choosing to stay at someone's house or going to bed early. The small, the big, all of it was put to a stop. He chose everything for me physically and mentally, and then my illness controlled everything else. I have to be ready for anything. One day without my medicines and my body starts attacking me all over again. Everything always attacking me. I don't understand why. I must have done something severely messed up in another life to deserve this.

Senior year was particularly bad. All the parties doubled. Which Mike was always worse when he was drunk. But then to top it off he would pass me around. Yeah, I mean exactly what I said. I was passed around from friend to friend during parties like a mixed drink. They all forced themselves on me. They all rapped me. What the hell do you do when Mike is there, holding a knife to your throat while one of his friends if forcing his way with you? What kind of fucked up shit is that? Simple. My life. Eventually Mike didn't have to be there when his friends had their way with me. He knew I was to scared to go against him. Most of his friends stayed blissfully unaware of what was going on, they just to turn the other way. Not get involved. Or think it was some kind of sick foreplay with us. But one guy, started showing up to these parties. I don't know where he came from, but every party he would show up. He knew what Mike was doing to me. And he got off on it. He would get Mike drunk so that Mike would let him have me. The only thing I knew about this man, was his name. His name was James, and that name will forever stay with me. He got off on the fact that he could hurt me. Like raping someone without the consequences. He would cut me and hit me and tie me up. Every party he would think of some new way to torture me while having sex with me. No one ever stopped him. It went on for over a year. Until the day I finally had something else to make me stand up for myself. I'll explain later.

Jake and the rest of the LaPush gang would try and try to keep seeing me. They would show up unannounced to my house or school, trying to surprise me, hoping I'd be free to hang out. Each and every time, I got hit harder. Eventually everyone stopped trying, except Jacob. He'd come solo. He never quit. But he didn't know, that when he would show up, Mike blamed me and beat me so much worse. Broken bones hurt, they do, for anyone. But then you get them set and they slowly start to heal, and the pain fades. Broken bones with arthritis, that don't get set properly? Un imaginable pain. You get cold sweat and pass out every time you move. Throw up everything in your stomach from the pain. I can't even describe it, I don't know anything equivalent to it. When I have a bad flair up, it feels like the bone is broken. And that's normal. Mike knew this. He also knew that it would get obvious if he continued to break my bones, like he broke the rest of me. So he saved it for special occasions. Like when Jacob shows up. Depending on how long it took Jacob to leave was the severity of what he broke. He eventually started re setting them himself, a day or two after it happened. It was like the exclamation mark at the end of his statement. The first break was don't talk to Jacob, stay away from him. When he 'fixed' the bone by re breaking it then aligning it, it was, Ever. My Jacob was so close, all the time. But I knew that Mike and his friends would go after him if he found out. And I couldn't have that. He was not going to get hurt because of me.

This was routine. It was my life. I adapted, learned to separate my mind from my body when I was with anyone. I concentrated on school work when Mike wasn't around. He hated when I got ahead, or did better than him. He wanted me to fail. But school was my one escape. So I didn't my best. But I kept that from him. I didn't let him know how well I was doing. But then, at the end of first quarter, I was told I was going to graduate early. That after first semester was done, so was I. I was so happy. I thought that this was my escape. I wouldn't tell Mike, then while he was at school, I would leave. Find a job somewhere and get an apartment. Away from my mom and dad, so that way Mike wouldn't hurt them for knowing information. Because they would have no one to get information from if I had no one. I had everything all planned. I decided I was going to go to Ohio. I searched for apartments and called around. I set of meetings with landlords and interviews with different jobs. My time was coming. And I couldn't be any happier if I tried.

But then, like everything else. My escape came tumbling down. I got sick. So sick. It started off with a sinus infection, it stayed with me for two months and I had a constant sinus headache. Finally after two months it got so bad I was practically screaming, trying to get it to go away, were this logic comes from I don't know. So my dad rushed me to the doctor and they rushed me to the hospital where they gave me some IV meds to help with the headache. Let me tell you, they did not. I was crying constantly, but trying not to, because it just made my head hurt worse, and no one would listen to me. Nurses and doctors won't even give me some fucking control. They sent me home after the IV that didn't do anything. That night I couldn't go to sleep because of the pain, and by the next morning it had migrated to my left ear. I got rushed to the doctor again, and then the hospital again, and I was put in Isolation, but one of those clear rooms so they can see you, for 24 hours, then I was admitted.

I was put in the hospital for two weeks. I don't remember much of what happened during the first week. Just what I was told. To me it was just dark. During the first week I was a day away from dieing. They didn't think I was going to make it. I was in this catatonic state. I don't remember much. I didn't eat, or drink. I didn't move. I didn't talk. I just laid there in the dark. I was so sick. The only thing I really rememeber of my time there is Mike being there the whole time, and darkness. Mike was always there, to make sure I didn't say anything. And he always talked too loud, to where it broke through my subconscious darkness. He did whatever he could to get my attention. Even forcing himself on me when we were alone. The doctors talked about feeding tubes and a bone marrow biopsy. To see why I barley had any White blood cells, and was losing more every day. They were giving me 48 hours for my White Blood Cell count to come back up, and if it didn't, they were going to have to do the biopsy. They didn't think it looked good. I was given 24 hours to eat as well, or they were going to give me a feeding tube. After that, I slowly started gaining consciousness. It took me 8 hours to eat half a piece of toast. But the doctors said that it was enough and as long as I tried I was good.

What was wrong was that I had a sinus infection that moved to my ear. And there was all this pressure built up behind my ear drum trying to drain naturally, but it didn't. And it hurt like hell. All of the infection just kept piling up and piling up. Unbelievable pressure. You don't think much about something as small as your ear drum, until something like this happens. I was praying for it to burst. At least then I'd get some relief. But of course it didn't. They waited for a week while I was in the hospital to see if the antibiotics would help. I started getting this sinus infection two months ago. And it just kept getting worse and worse, so they wanted to wait one more week? Where did that make sense? Eventually they poked a hole in my eardrum, minus some numbing cream. Let me tell you, that did not feel good. But my ear still wouldn't drain, so they put a tub in and kept me pumping with antibiotics. Slowly I started to drain. And I do mean slowly. It was a long painful process.

Most of my family ended up coming to stay at my dad's or near their during this first week. When I started to gain more consciousness they slowly went home with promises of phone calls. By the end of the week I was discharged, but I could barely move, my equal Librium was so off I kept falling down and I was constantly dizzy and I was so sick every time I tried to move. I had the worst headache that just wouldn't go away. The day after I was discharged I had an appointment with ENT and he re admitted me. I was at the hospital for another week, but this time I was coherent. I wish I wasn't. Mike made a pointed comment about school and how I'm going to fail out; the jerk even had a smirk on his face. Then my dad looked over to him and said that wouldn't be happening because I graduated early. My dad was so proud, Mike was so pissed. They ended up putting a PICC line in my arm at the end of the second week so that I could do my IV antibiotics at home.

The months following that were horrible. I found out that I was permanently deaf in my left ear. And I was put on more meds because they didn't want to give me my IV treatments for a while, they didn't want to knock down my system anymore than it already was. My dad was watching me closely, and Mike knew something was up. He didn't hit me until the PICC line was out, because I had a nurse coming in weekly to change the dressing. But then he let me have it. He hit me for not telling him I graduated, he hit me for getting sick, he hit me for making him look bad, he hit me for being smart, he hit me for who I was.

Mike didn't let me out of his site, and when he went to school, he called James to watch the house. He never entered. He watched. Leaving me with the dread of when he would come to my front door, I was so scared, and he knew it.

I never got to leave. Never got my way out. Never made it to my interviews in Ohio.

But I did get something.

I got my chance, it was scary as hell but I took it. And I did it.

I took control of my life.

The end of my senior year, after I walked, Mike announced that we were moving in together. What choice did I have? So I moved in with him. It was horrible. Beatings every night. Him screaming at me because I wasn't good enough. Him having his way with my dead body. Every day. A new routine was set.

He signed a six month lease on his apartment, because he wanted a house. He said that he was saving up so that he could get a house so that when he hit me he could make me scream. I was terrified the closer it got to six months.

I was even more stressed, and slept even worse than I normally do. I was sick to my stomach every day. I was exhausted more so than normal.

Then finally, at month five months, I had an epiphany. I was on the depo shot, but I did realize, until month five, that I didn't get my shot the whole time I was living with Mike. That the last time I had it was right before I got sick. I ran to the store, bought a test and took it in the bathroom. There was no way I wanted to leave the evidence in his apartment. I waited three minutes. The longest three minutes I have ever experienced. What was I going to do? How was I going to bring a baby up in this life that I supposedly live? I couldn't. What was I going to do? What would Mike do? Oh god. I know what he would do. What am I going to do?! My mind was on repeat. Finally three minutes were up and I looked down at those two little sticks that were going to be my future.

Oh god.

Positive.

What am I going to do?

I made an appointment in the city, so that the gossip wouldn't get to Mike, for the next day. I needed to know for sure. Waiting for that appointment was even worse than waiting the tree minutes. But this time, I planned.

Mike would not touch MY baby.

I was going to do whatever I could to save MY baby. My mind broke out of that constant fog I've been in sense I moved in with my dad, and I planned everything.

The next day It was confirmed, I was pregnant. The doctor gave me some pamphlets about options. Ha, like I need those, I already figured out MY options for MY baby. It's MY life and I'm done.

I had one month left in this hell hole. I would not be going to the house with Mike.

So I did the only thing I could.

I called Jacob.

**A/N:** Sorry this took so long. My life has been crazy with school and my new job. But I'm back!

So let me know how I'm doing. This is my first as I've said, and apparently I'm one of those FanFiction virgins who babble after their first time.

Any who, I apologize again for the wait, and I hope you liked it.

Comments are always appreciated. Even the bad.


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